Monday, 28 January 2013

my way!

its about yesterday only..when a thought just clicked my mind. i realised it that a decision i had taken long ago..was actually wrong..or must have been different had i not been carried away by emotions and taken up things more seriously and intellectually. this thing has actually clicked me many times. i used to think sometimes.. was i actually wrong to have taken this decision up? was i? if that decision was actually guided by my heart and not brains? was i too much me naive and immature to got carried away by what others said?  but, i always kept myself strong and simply tried concentrating on other things when such thought striked my mind. yesterday, i kind of thought to put a halt on this game of lieing to myself or keeping my eyes shut. i actually tried to think rationally and so i did.  i thought ....does other say it correct? did my decision actually had no logic? was it actually stupid.. and somewhere my inner self knew the logic behind that was my heart. a pure heartful..child-like. likable and simply too joyful. so, was i just a stupid person with no wits and mind? at this, my inner self replys "yes. i was"
but, one thing this incident has taught me so much. i..i..kind of started feeling human. my mechanical, logical and too much monotonous and rational life has finally got atleast a badge of stupidity! as in, obviously, this is nothing to brag about. obviously no. but, then. all through my life, i have done things right. as in, i don't remember the last time i lied to my parents or family members about something. as in, i cannot, at this stage, remember something that actually made me feel so giddy, gullible, naive...or rather CHILD-LIKE about myself. i mean, i really don't know how many of you follow my blog. nobody i suppose. but, in one of the poem written by me, narrator says:
"i lost it the very day i found it"
herein, the narrator was talking about his childhood. i feel, to some extent, my mind in social network, as in, picking a few things, knowing or rather judging a person's characters, his ideology and a few more things about him..just by a few more, these few things are something; i have always been expert in. and people say. this is actually what people develops with experience or rather age.
but, i kind of loved if i had been child-like. and the feeling that i am still stupid, idiotic and actually a person of hearts and not brain give me solace.

actually, this all started from here. i, a few days before, was reading an autobiography by M.K. Gandhi. obviously, i opened up that book with prejudice and pre-conceived notions of all high-fi kind of things gandhiji will be teaching its fellow readers. as in, be firm..don't lie..don't eat non-veg..respect for bad lust for opposite sex..and blah blah blahh..
but no. a very true and true and true..a man he write all about his life..all he did in..a few wrong..really wrong things. and i realised. that oh my! i myself have done none of them. no, please! i am no where trying to say that i am ms. perfect..because one cant be and nobody is. so, what the hell is wrong if i took a decision of my life by say in my desi bhasha.."maine agar ek baar dimag ki na sochke dil ki isme galt kya hai?"
i mean, this is one thing that makes me feel "human". that makes me feel like a teenager. i am a teenager and i have no fb addiction, no phone addiction..i have never been to a stage where friends become more important than my family. so, big deal! if i have done something so stupid.. and so pointless. just because i was listening to my heart and had no wits.. oh my!
thankyou. gandhiji! your good deeds dint teach me much, the much your bad deeds did.

matlab life mai sab acha acha kiya..dher sara dimag lgake..aur life ke sabse important decision mai dil ki sunke ek decision shayd galt pad kya hua? we all are human beings. we are not machines to work upon set guidelines. be bold, proud and brag about wrong decisions you take. it teaches you so much. so, i conclude with this:
"if a failure has seen more life than a successful person, 
 i would like to fail...
 because to live...
 i will get a chance no more"

Saturday, 12 January 2013

the wonder years

the day of 25th December, 2012..just a month or so from now, i was watching this show.."the wonder years"...and channel comedy central telecasting its episode for ongoing special week. needless to say, it is a nice show..and that was a nice episode! but, unlike other episodes i watched,  that episode just touched me so immensely. i don't why...whether it was just the mood of me that allowed me to think so deeply and passionately..was it a huge and intense silence i experienced in my living room that i usually get meagre...or may be i was associating that episode's characters to some real life people..or whatever.

so, where i was. hm, the episode starts with kevin (the main leading character) and his friends sitting in their gymming room and their gymming teacher "coach ed cutlip" torchering them with daily routine heavy exercises. after the class, students remark "he has no Christmas spirit". this line simply touches me. i am an Indian by nationality and Hindu by religion. hence, i could not relate myself to Christmas as such. but, just i will feel about a person who simply doesn't feel much or feels special about say..a festival like Diwali.? as in. oh my! so much light, colours, gifts, sweetness, fragrance, flavours, friends, hugs...
same way, how can anybody have no Christmas spirit..???
what is he? a dictator by birth..or a Hitler by education..huh!

Kevin goes to a mall with his family and gets engaged in Christmas shopping when he suddenly sees a big Santa Claus small kids are getting their photographs clicked with. he just feels something so familiar about this Santa Claus and it takes no more time for him to realise that its no other than his coach ed. and Kevin, he feels..shocked, amazed, rather disgusting..or may be sympathetic about the fact that his coach has to do  a part time job..a job he may not like since HE HAS NO CHRISTMAS SPIRIT just for a few more bucks.

and then later part of episode is consumed in  how from the very next day coach ed starts showing up extra flare for Kevin in classroom, bribing him with no class works, and some treats and a lot more i guess. but, the last part is good when coach ed trys to explain to Kevin with all sorts of things about why he took up that job in that mall...all his explanation being unconcerned and unheard to Kevin. to put in other words, Kevin doesn't give a fucking damn. and then in end, coach ed says...(i am sorry i am not quoting up correct words..).."i like kids."..this is fucking crazy..a guy who appears to be too tough from outside..too dark, strict and unconcerned...goes carrying himself in a probe of Santa Claus and getting himself clicked with small kids, he hardly knows who they are!

i feel, eyes are not to see beauty..eyes are disillusioned to see beauty. the true holder of beauty is heart. only a deep search into a person's mind could put you in a situation where you know how that person is. outer attire is simply a deception. how funny is that, i feel sometimes. you see something, and next moment somebody tells you its not what it appears..its an ILLUSION. this way, nobody we know the way he/she is should be that way. i feel time is just such an important, energetic and powerful factor. it reveals everybody. it actually familiarises us with a few ore things, people, relations, hills. sometimes, it takes time to recognise "REAL YOU". it takes time to know your likings, your life, your interests. amazing. sometimes, you see yourself as one thing..but..who knows how other sees you. !  coach ed seems to be a boring, Hitler-kind-of-a-man..but, i feel his heart must be full of healthy, loving and spiritful emotions for Christmas...may he loves children more than you or i do. may be he loves Kevin too.

this reminds me of a teacher i had had in my school days. he had a gigantic appearance, tall, wide, dark and was of middle age. even his voice was coarse and so loud that a single lecture of 2 hours was enough to put a headache to a student. i always stayed away from him, fearing his hard-cored appearance. once, i and a friend of mine were loitering jobless in the institution to find some teacher who could attend to our doubts. he simply bumped in and asked what did we want. we told him that we are looking for a teacher of xyz subject to got some doubts cleared. he called up somebody and somebody and then arranged for a teacher of xyz subject and said to him that these are my students and they are really too hard working and committed and asked him to attend to our doubts with full vigour and dedication. we really felt guilty of our prejudices about him. sometimes, an act of good deed could change people's perception about you so much. and then one day he was telling us how emotionally he was wounded when ..anyways..! the point is who had imagined such a hard looking man must be such an emotional freak to be attended to! actually, physical attires are just a fabrication. (-_-)

Friday, 11 January 2013

a place called "here"

A place called here
For all of those who already have an idea about this, well and good. And for all of those, who don’t, “a place called here” is the title of a novel I just finished reading in these winter vacations of mine. A beautiful novel, one amongst the best writings of cecelia ahern deserves 4 out of 5. No, I don’t have any intentions of writing a review on that book. For all of those who want one, can refer to google; and for all those who don't, lets chat.
“a place called here” describes the story of a girl named “sandy” who is desperate, frustrated, interested, curious..and a blend of all mixed up emotions one can imagine.  Hm, so, where I was, sandy is curious about the fact where all the things and even people go that are termed missing. She is curious about that sock of her which  was a blue one with white strap. She is curious about a classmate of hers that went missing when she was at the age of 10. This curiosity of hers finally takes her to a counsellor dealing with such people..’physicatrist’..a word difficult and repellent to be used.  Not only these, her craziness and temperament takes her to a stage where opening up a “finding missing persons agency” becomes her profession. And then one day, she finally finds them all. She lands up in a strange land..which is a ground for all of those people and things that otherwise go missing.  Not only this, cecelia ahern takes her imagination onto inaccessible heights when she says that even emotions, memory and feelings go missing. What goes missing is fragrance, smell and atmosphere of a few people, situations, places and emotions even! Imagine…oh my! This is a magnetic part of her write.

Let me share with you people the fact that her portrayed character of  sandy..shouts with the fact that she is creation of a girl.  Sandy..sometimes while speaking..say things that are going out of topic..she fusses about losing socks..or her favourite bag..or may be many more irrelevant and unimportant things..i don’t remember.  Speaking irrelevant things and a few more girlish things are just that let a reader like me enjoy ..encountering a g-talk.
Now. As I was saying, author talks about emotions, memory and even feelings go missing. Let us Keep aside the discussion of book for a moment..and lets chat. Have you ever fussed about that feeling where in you try to remember something but unable to..? you have had a memory of it..may be a name of a dear friend, a place you visited and enjoyed so much..or may be a seen remembered but not from where..these things’ memory just go missing..oh my!!!!..! These things simply went missing in that strange land. I know this is fiction. Not true. But, it sounds fun  and comforting. To imagine and enter such place. When I read, I simply don’t read. I go there, meet those characters, feel their emotions..its like a roller coaster..and imaginable people like this chick (I mean, the author of book..) just make me go merry by taking me into such wonderful places. I just happen to be remembering about that girl whom I thought of as my best friend..and  I eventually started disliking her for her changing behaviour. And one day, I realised that though some hot war has not broken out, we both have not exchanged abuses or cold expressions..but WE HAVE STOPPED TALKING. And that’s the end of relationship..i miss her no more…may be may be, my memory of hers must be shouting in pain, agony and crys in this land..because I DON’T RECALL HER ANYMORE.

Remember those days of my teenage life, when I talked to him for hours and hours. He and I exchanging warmth and care, and those things finished after a few months. He stopped missing me and so did i. may be, my memory of him and him of me, must be making silent crys and relaxed anguish of pain in that land. If I have forgotten it, the memory is actually missing..i must not be saying all that.  Ha ha! It must be so have had all memories to be lost and not to be lost be self-chosen.

And then her book  teaches its fellow readers that it should not be wrong for one to be curious..if you are..this is something, you cant help yourself with. Many a times, a few little things simply don’t matter to others. But, they pose some serious questions to others. Because others are simply not curious, they neither think themselves, nor let us think. But, no..we-are-what-we-are.  I-AM-WHAT-I-AM. If you are a keen observer, to an extent that you observe and simply cant make yourself unperturbed and oblivious to such things..don't go embarrassed. Its like..difficult being simple..but, enjoying being difficult... howsoever, painful and shameful it sometimes becomes.

And then hopefulness! May be you hope for impossible things. But, don’t stop hoping. Who knows, even the most impossible of impossible things become possible! Who knew sandy would land up somewhere in such a land? A place that was never there for all of us became “here”  for sandy. I know. This all is fiction. In actual, these things never happen and you might be feeling like talking to  just a little-sweet-girl-believing in wonders and fairy tales-and-ignorant. No! sometimes, if you hope for things with true spirit, they just happen to happen. Hope.. I wish I could have better words to actually arouse hope in every individual around me..and those words could actually be accessed, comprehended and absorbed by all individuals. Ha!

And then I like the line..
I can only assume that there’s only one thing more frustrating than not being able to find someone, and that’s not being found. I would want someone to find me, more than anything." 
— Cecelia ahern 
Simple and short words. But, too deep a meaning to be understood.  This evokes an idea in me..that one should not letting himself bound by walls..impervious walls. . .he should let himself  cast free. He should let him lose. Lose yourself. Don’t be afraid that you'll be lost. But, I would like to confess that this is something which “I, me, myself”  must learn  first and foremost. I am shying to sing,  dance or do stupid things in public..huh.. can I lose myself? I take it this way. Sandy was wanting somebody to find her when she was lost.  I  am wanting somebody to let me lose. May be somebody or something with whom/which I lose an extent..that I am just not able to find myself.. lets see.
Cecelia! Thank you for such a splendid reading experience! J J